2011-03-21
Fascist Australia Part 2
Continuing on from Part 1, was a trip immersed in symbolism. Remembering how unfit I am, I needed to walk a bloody long way along Paramatta Rd. As I heard from a comedian - there is a thin line separating success from failure in Sydney. It's called "Paramatta Rd". Apologies for the unfair and probably inappropriate analogy, but the thought that came to me was that this is like Jesus carrying the cross. Hopefully Jesus was fitter than me. I'm just the ordinary guy/slob next door.
Ok, with water in my body (while having minimal impact on a commercial enterprise), I was ready to set off.
On my way home, I came across a park with a flag that I didn't recognize. Still on my list of things to check out. I'm not really impressed with things like the "aboriginal flag" which to me is like a Nazi "white power" flag. I don't mind people displaying those flags pretending to be racial supremacists. I do mind when it is done for any other reason (like you really think your race is special and needs its own flag to separate it from the great unwashed second-class citizens).
I was so tired at one point that I lay down on some grass. Then I got bitten by a fucking ant! I remembered why I hate fucking nature. Lying on a metal grid had its downsides too.
Eventually I came to a place that had both a KFC and a Hungry Jacks. Once again I needed water, and just needed to sneak in to the toilet. This is where the advantage of the faceless corporation could be seen. I was MUCH more comfortable going in here than the first place I went. Even though the water tasted the same. At this point I needed to decide between KFC and Hungry Jacks. What I remembered was "the burgers are better at Hungry Jacks", so that was probably a sign from God or something. I normally don't go to Hungry Jacks though - even though the burgers are allegedly better. I normally go to McDonalds though. Regardless, water from Hungry Jacks and then I'm off again.
I saw a sign on a bus that said "Tell them the war is over" and thought that was God telling me to post something to that effect on the internet. But the furniture store I went into wouldn't give me 10 minutes on the internet. Just as well in fact. The info was quite clearly wrong, another reason why I don't trust messages from God and rely heavily on the scientific method.
I eventually came across a place called "Rosebank College" (which I forgot the name of) which advertised itself as "A Good Samaritan Catholic Co-ed School" or something like that. I honed in on the "Good Samaritan" bit, which was exactly what I was after. What I didn't know at the time was that it is illegal to wander unannounced onto school property, for obvious-in-hindsight reasons. A kid directed me to the principal's office (I wasn't in trouble yet, and they've banned caning now - apparently someone decided that gross unrestrained violence wasn't a cure-all solution). I asked to use the phone, which they allowed, but the numbers I knew off-by-heart weren't answering/available.
I asked them if they had any suggestion on how I could get from here to home when I didn't have any money. Then finally the thought struck me that I could pay the cabbie when I got home when I suddenly regained connection to my wallet and enough to money to travel around the fucking globe. But they said they would get the principal. The principal told me that there was someone who could drop me at my train station. Someone who was going in that direction anyway. I said that would be FANTASTIC. I didn't want to put anyone out, and if I could just be taken close to home, I would do the rest.
The analogy? Libya. The Libyans are not asking for liberation on a fucking platter. They are prepared to do the ground war themselves. They just needed air support from someone who was going in the "we would like worldwide liberal democracies" direction anyway. Libya - I hope when you get your freedom you won't forget all the others who are peaceful people like you (e.g. Iran) and still don't have their freedom. Just saying.
Unfortunately my Good Samaritan turned out to have a hidden agenda. He called the friggin police. So suddenly 4 policemen turned up. However, at that point in time I thought it was all part of God's plan so wasn't disturbed. Instead, I told them that they couldn't possibly imagine how much respect I had for them. Brave men willing to stand up and be counted when it comes to "protect the innocent". Honestly, if these guys were being paid what they were truly worth, I'd just start adding zeros to the end of their dollar wage and ask them to tell me when to stop. Unfortunately there are real world constraints, and doing that is necessarily at the expense of something else such as children's education.
The fuzz asked me what I was doing out in the middle of like FUCKING NOWHERE with no money or ID, and I didn't want to tell them "defecting to China", and something more important was happening. An analogy was brewing. You see, previously I had been told on the Anonymous chat that there were austerity measures in place and the rising cost of fuel meant that we couldn't provide air support to the Libyans. I was incensed by this and said things like "fuck austerity - put it on mastercard" and "i'd rather walk to work if that's what it takes" and "this is the best foreign aid you can possibly give - so stop all the other foreign aid that has zero long-term positive effect - if that's what it takes - in fact, you should have been preparing for this exact possibility all along instead of squandering it on an African black hole".
Anyway, I realised I had the perfect analogy, so couldn't help giving it. My plan was to walk to work (god knows how many km away), to lower Australia's oil consumption so that this wouldn't be a barrier to the liberation of Libya. There's the extreme perfectly moral response which all these "demonstrators" should be doing if they genuinely want to look upon themselves as moral crusaders as they march in favour of gay marriage or whatever the lefty cause of the day is. However, after walking for so fucking long, I gave up, and decided to go home, then go out and buy a BMW, since I'm loaded, and then zoom to work, burning loads of petrol and fuck the Libyans. This gives an "out" to the general population who aren't on either end of the extreme. Yes, do your best, you sure as hell aren't perfect, but no, we understand why you're not trying at all - it is tough, and even if you fail to do any good in this area, maybe you do good in another area, so that's fine. :-) Libya shouldn't be dependent on an individual doing that anyway. Hasn't anyone heard of war reserves?!
Unfortunately the police doubted my story and asked me to come with them and put me in their paddy-wagon with no seatbelt or anything. I wasn't quite sure if they were taking me home or somewhere else. In the trip in the paddy wagon, the passenger cop was actually a beautiful asian woman, so I spent 50% of the trip perving on her in the rear vision mirror, and 50% of the time trying to come up with a scheme to maintain "balance" as to where I should ideally be (e.g. geriatric farm) to test the fairness of the economic system. Incidentally, I've already decided that I should not be part of the Caliphate at all, and instead it should be a triumvirate, and I have the 25 year old, the 43 year old, but not yet the 61 year old, although I'm hoping that Susan will provide that complement.
To my horror I had been taken to the funny farm. However, unlike my last incarceration, this time they admitted that they may have it wrong, and agreed to debate it in the free marketplace of ideas.
And this time something was very different. I could visibly see that the doctors were distressed. The impression that I got from them was that they thought I really was god, but were constrained by their medical laws etc to treat me as a lunatic. This was a game-changing equation. It was time for "don't ask, don't tell" with plenty of hyperbole. I told them that yes, I was in front of their comrades some years ago, as I ***TESTED*** the Australian system. I told them that I came up with some line of bullshit about being Jesus or a prophet or God or something (couldn't quite remember) to see whether the Australian system protected freedom of religion or not. I was testing this on behalf of Australian Muslims who are understandably worried that they might be on the wrong end of religious persecution, although I must admit that a lot of that is probably deserved. Regardless, I now had my line straight, and of course the doctors weren't going to contradict that.
This was the only day that it was obvious they were distressed. From then on they were back to the masked? face that they are God themselves and can lock me up for as long as they damn well please. Regardless, from now on I will be sticking to a "don't ask, don't tell" policy as to whether when I noticed that 666 on 9/11 coincidence that I had a golden opportunity to score some lulz.
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Ok, with water in my body (while having minimal impact on a commercial enterprise), I was ready to set off.
On my way home, I came across a park with a flag that I didn't recognize. Still on my list of things to check out. I'm not really impressed with things like the "aboriginal flag" which to me is like a Nazi "white power" flag. I don't mind people displaying those flags pretending to be racial supremacists. I do mind when it is done for any other reason (like you really think your race is special and needs its own flag to separate it from the great unwashed second-class citizens).
I was so tired at one point that I lay down on some grass. Then I got bitten by a fucking ant! I remembered why I hate fucking nature. Lying on a metal grid had its downsides too.
Eventually I came to a place that had both a KFC and a Hungry Jacks. Once again I needed water, and just needed to sneak in to the toilet. This is where the advantage of the faceless corporation could be seen. I was MUCH more comfortable going in here than the first place I went. Even though the water tasted the same. At this point I needed to decide between KFC and Hungry Jacks. What I remembered was "the burgers are better at Hungry Jacks", so that was probably a sign from God or something. I normally don't go to Hungry Jacks though - even though the burgers are allegedly better. I normally go to McDonalds though. Regardless, water from Hungry Jacks and then I'm off again.
I saw a sign on a bus that said "Tell them the war is over" and thought that was God telling me to post something to that effect on the internet. But the furniture store I went into wouldn't give me 10 minutes on the internet. Just as well in fact. The info was quite clearly wrong, another reason why I don't trust messages from God and rely heavily on the scientific method.
I eventually came across a place called "Rosebank College" (which I forgot the name of) which advertised itself as "A Good Samaritan Catholic Co-ed School" or something like that. I honed in on the "Good Samaritan" bit, which was exactly what I was after. What I didn't know at the time was that it is illegal to wander unannounced onto school property, for obvious-in-hindsight reasons. A kid directed me to the principal's office (I wasn't in trouble yet, and they've banned caning now - apparently someone decided that gross unrestrained violence wasn't a cure-all solution). I asked to use the phone, which they allowed, but the numbers I knew off-by-heart weren't answering/available.
I asked them if they had any suggestion on how I could get from here to home when I didn't have any money. Then finally the thought struck me that I could pay the cabbie when I got home when I suddenly regained connection to my wallet and enough to money to travel around the fucking globe. But they said they would get the principal. The principal told me that there was someone who could drop me at my train station. Someone who was going in that direction anyway. I said that would be FANTASTIC. I didn't want to put anyone out, and if I could just be taken close to home, I would do the rest.
The analogy? Libya. The Libyans are not asking for liberation on a fucking platter. They are prepared to do the ground war themselves. They just needed air support from someone who was going in the "we would like worldwide liberal democracies" direction anyway. Libya - I hope when you get your freedom you won't forget all the others who are peaceful people like you (e.g. Iran) and still don't have their freedom. Just saying.
Unfortunately my Good Samaritan turned out to have a hidden agenda. He called the friggin police. So suddenly 4 policemen turned up. However, at that point in time I thought it was all part of God's plan so wasn't disturbed. Instead, I told them that they couldn't possibly imagine how much respect I had for them. Brave men willing to stand up and be counted when it comes to "protect the innocent". Honestly, if these guys were being paid what they were truly worth, I'd just start adding zeros to the end of their dollar wage and ask them to tell me when to stop. Unfortunately there are real world constraints, and doing that is necessarily at the expense of something else such as children's education.
The fuzz asked me what I was doing out in the middle of like FUCKING NOWHERE with no money or ID, and I didn't want to tell them "defecting to China", and something more important was happening. An analogy was brewing. You see, previously I had been told on the Anonymous chat that there were austerity measures in place and the rising cost of fuel meant that we couldn't provide air support to the Libyans. I was incensed by this and said things like "fuck austerity - put it on mastercard" and "i'd rather walk to work if that's what it takes" and "this is the best foreign aid you can possibly give - so stop all the other foreign aid that has zero long-term positive effect - if that's what it takes - in fact, you should have been preparing for this exact possibility all along instead of squandering it on an African black hole".
Anyway, I realised I had the perfect analogy, so couldn't help giving it. My plan was to walk to work (god knows how many km away), to lower Australia's oil consumption so that this wouldn't be a barrier to the liberation of Libya. There's the extreme perfectly moral response which all these "demonstrators" should be doing if they genuinely want to look upon themselves as moral crusaders as they march in favour of gay marriage or whatever the lefty cause of the day is. However, after walking for so fucking long, I gave up, and decided to go home, then go out and buy a BMW, since I'm loaded, and then zoom to work, burning loads of petrol and fuck the Libyans. This gives an "out" to the general population who aren't on either end of the extreme. Yes, do your best, you sure as hell aren't perfect, but no, we understand why you're not trying at all - it is tough, and even if you fail to do any good in this area, maybe you do good in another area, so that's fine. :-) Libya shouldn't be dependent on an individual doing that anyway. Hasn't anyone heard of war reserves?!
Unfortunately the police doubted my story and asked me to come with them and put me in their paddy-wagon with no seatbelt or anything. I wasn't quite sure if they were taking me home or somewhere else. In the trip in the paddy wagon, the passenger cop was actually a beautiful asian woman, so I spent 50% of the trip perving on her in the rear vision mirror, and 50% of the time trying to come up with a scheme to maintain "balance" as to where I should ideally be (e.g. geriatric farm) to test the fairness of the economic system. Incidentally, I've already decided that I should not be part of the Caliphate at all, and instead it should be a triumvirate, and I have the 25 year old, the 43 year old, but not yet the 61 year old, although I'm hoping that Susan will provide that complement.
To my horror I had been taken to the funny farm. However, unlike my last incarceration, this time they admitted that they may have it wrong, and agreed to debate it in the free marketplace of ideas.
And this time something was very different. I could visibly see that the doctors were distressed. The impression that I got from them was that they thought I really was god, but were constrained by their medical laws etc to treat me as a lunatic. This was a game-changing equation. It was time for "don't ask, don't tell" with plenty of hyperbole. I told them that yes, I was in front of their comrades some years ago, as I ***TESTED*** the Australian system. I told them that I came up with some line of bullshit about being Jesus or a prophet or God or something (couldn't quite remember) to see whether the Australian system protected freedom of religion or not. I was testing this on behalf of Australian Muslims who are understandably worried that they might be on the wrong end of religious persecution, although I must admit that a lot of that is probably deserved. Regardless, I now had my line straight, and of course the doctors weren't going to contradict that.
This was the only day that it was obvious they were distressed. From then on they were back to the masked? face that they are God themselves and can lock me up for as long as they damn well please. Regardless, from now on I will be sticking to a "don't ask, don't tell" policy as to whether when I noticed that 666 on 9/11 coincidence that I had a golden opportunity to score some lulz.
# posted by Paul Edwards @ 10:43 
