Thanks America

Where do I start? I've wanted to say this for a long time. It is unbelievable that America gets badmouthed all the time. America has helped the cause of freedom more than anyone else. First of all I'd like to thank America for saving Australia's butt at the Battle of the Coral Sea in WWII. This prevented the Japanese from landing here, and bringing with them the concept of "comfort women". I think Australia's nature is such that we would have sacrificed 90% of our population rather than hand over any woman. America's intervention meant that we were never required to make that terrible choice. Thanks America!

Then of course there's the fact that you saved Europe's butt, not once but 3 times - WWI, WWII and the Cold War. I don't know why we don't hear more thanks from Europe for this. But in the absence of thanks from ungrateful recipients of American largesse, let me say it instead - thanks America!

And then there's all the foreign aid you give. And all the technology you provide. And all the knowledge that is provided for free. And the Mars rover images, also provided for free. And the GPS system also provided for free. And why don't the third world countries thank you for all the stuff they receive from America? I don't know. But let me thank you instead. Thanks America!

And something that is far more important than foreign aid is the security umbrella you provide, that the entire free world lives under. If there was any justice in the world, the rest of the free world would provide money to fund the American military, and hand over a cheque with a BIG SMILE. Instead, what do we see? Protests in places like South Korea. Unbelievable. How you can put up with the South Koreans is beyond me. The fact that you do put up with them, with a smile, exemplifies the inner beauty of the American soul. Thanks America!

And then there's the fact that after defeating an enemy, instead of rubbing his nose in the dirt, you instead show great magnimity and help him to his feet, immediately, ala Germany and Japan. You show that the best way to defeat an enemy is to turn him into a friend. You teach that we should judge people by their current behaviour, not past bad behaviour. If only the rest of the world could learn from America. But instead most of the rest of the world maintains grudges for centuries, transferring guilt to perfectly innocent people, and pretending to inherit suffering and permanent victimhood. If only people would adopt the American way, the world would be so much better. What can I say? Nothing. I am humbled in the face of American largesse. Thanks America!

And then there's the glorious imperial measurement system that you still cling to, in honour of the glorious King George, long after the rest of the world, including Australia, has metricized, which even caused one of the Mars probes to be smashed to smithereens. Hmmmmm. Hmmmmm. Ok. Hmmmmm. Let's move on folks, nothing to see here.

And then there's the fact that you give money to others in the event of a natural disaster, such as the Tsunami, regardless of race or religion, yet no-one ever gives you a dime when you have a natural disaster. Both the government and the people individually have unmatched generosity. And even rich people in America tend to give their money to charities instead of passing it on to their kids, like people in most other countries. Thanks America!

And then there's the fact that after 9/11, instead of nuking the entire Middle East in response, you instead freed 52 million people from state-slavery/holocaust/institutionalized rape, and then poured BILLIONS into those countries, on top of the BILLIONS that the war cost itself, plus the sacrifice of your countrymen. All while everyone is accusing you of stealing oil. I don't know why these ingrates don't thank you for all you have done. Maybe it's because they're ingrates? Maybe with education their children will thank you. Just like European children thank you. Hmmmm. Hmmmm. Nevermind about that. Let me thank you instead. Thanks America!

Ok, I do have some complaints about America. No-one's perfect. But they're pretty minor in comparison to what America has done for the world. Sometimes I feel guilty even mentioning them. I feel that any time I mention them I should prefix them with "Despite how much America has done for the world, unequalled, and for which I am so grateful, could I please bring your attention to this relatively trivial matter ...". But in actual fact I'm just like everyone else - I just blurt out my complaint. This is actually pretty normal though. People normally only complain when something is wrong, they don't ring up "customer service" to say that the "product is working fine". So sorry for being human AND GET OFF MY BACK ALREADY!

Anyway, while I'm here, I'd like to ask for one more favour. Yes, that's right. Another bleeding foreigner asking for yet another favour. That's right, he couldn't just say thanks and keep his gob shut. He had to suck at the teat YET AGAIN. Ok, this is it. I want Iran to be liberated. And I want it to be done similar to how Afghanistan was done - with minimum force. I'm pretty sure you just need to ground the enemy aircraft and the people will liberate themselves. Protect any town that manages to liberate itself and possibly send in troops to make sure it stays liberated. Yes, I know you're sick of liberating ungrateful foreigners. So much of Iraq was ungrateful. But in Iraq it was necessary to disband the old army. In Iran, this is not necessary. What that means is you don't need to provide your own troops and do nation-building. You just need to flip the government like was done in Afghanistan. It should be an even more spectacular success than Afghanistan. But you need to have the faith to do one last liberation that will complete the jigsaw puzzle. I've already sent a letter to the Australian Prime Minister to liberate Iran, but of course I received no reply. So once again, I need to depend on the US to get anything done. I am hoping that the success in Iran will inspire you to liberate the rest of the world as well, but let's not worry about that at the moment. I hope that with the rest of the world liberated, we will be able to sort out a workable UN, and stop coming cap in hand to you all the time. But we haven't reached that stage yet. Please, I urge you to do this one last thing, after Iraq has quietened down.

Anyway, regardless of what you choose to do, as per your sovereign right to not do anything, and let me just reiterate that you are perfectly within your rights to take an attitude "we've done enough for the world already", I just want to repeat, from the bottom of my heart - THANKS AMERICA!

UPDATE - thanks to an email reminder, let me add that in return for liberating Europe et al, America never asked for anything in return, except perhaps somewhere to bury their dead. It didn't colonize the defeated nations. It did not rape German women and then subjugate the nation, unlike the Soviet "liberators". Not only did it not ask for anything, it actually provided assistance to allies so that they could rebuild. And I've remembered something else myself. After the Japanese were defeated, and China was liberated. Do you think that the Chinese were exuberant in their thanks? Nope. The commies took the credit for US heavy-lifting and then turned around and started calling America "capitalist pigs". Unbelievable. I don't have words to express my feelings.

UPDATE 2 - If you liked this, also check out this and this and this and this.

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