Merci France

Open Letter to Jacques Chirac, President of France

Dear Sir,
I've been wanting to write to you for some time now, but better late than never. First of all I'd like to thank you for France's contribution to the free world. Especially in WWI, where more French died protecting the free world than all the Anglophones that died in BOTH World Wars! And let's not forget that one of the Anglophone countries didn't even bother turning up until they were personally attacked and didn't have much choice after that. Let no-one ever say that France has not paid its dues. It has paid an enormous blood price and France has a right to expect that others should shoulder the bulk of the burden after that astounding contribution. Do you hear a word of thanks from the Anglophones for this effort? Nope. Defeaning silence. But let me thank you on behalf of ungrateful Anglophones everywhere. Merci France!

Next, I'd like to thank you for standing up to Hitler in WWII. While certain Anglophones were hiding under their beds, it was you that stood up for the Poles. Some Anglophones like to pretend that the French surrendered at the first opportunity. But it was simply the fact that the Germans had invented the concept of massed armour in mobile warfare. France didn't so much surrender as was beaten. And it wasn't just France that was beaten - British forces were also. Britain was only saved by its moat. And once again, France lost more people in WWII than all the Anglophones together. Do you think Anglophones are raised to be thankful to the French for our freedom? Nope. Silence. Anglophones stole all the credit for everything. At kindergarten, I can remember singing "We won the war, in 1944. We won the hive, in 1945". Although admittedly I don't remember the teachers singing that. Come to think of it, I also don't remember the teachers singing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin ran away. Wonder Woman lost her tits, flying TAA". But I digress. Where was I? Oh yes. Although I wasn't raised to sing the praises of France for my freedom, I have since learnt the hard facts, and I'd like to thank you belatedly. Merci France!

Then there's the American War of Independence. Do you think that Americans teach their children that it was French heavy-lifting that won the war (much like it was the US, not the Northern Alliance, that beat the Taliban), or do you think they are taught that it was a spontaneous glorious "popular" (1/3) uprising? Three guesses. This folklore even persists today, where many Americans insist that if people don't like living in state-slavery/holocaust that even includes institutionalized rape (sheesh, didn't anyone teach these people to protect women?), they should have a glorious spontaneous revolution "just like we did", and if they don't stand up for freedom themselves "just like we did", women DESERVE to be raped. Of course, professional soldiers know better. It was a military on military clash resulting in a FRENCH MILITARY VICTORY, the highlight being the naval battle off Yorktown which clinched it (combined with the fact that the British simply CHOSE not to return, in much the same way that America simply CHOSE not to use its aircraft to decimate the NVA tanks invading South Vietnam in 1975).

Anyway, this French victory created independent Anglophone powers for the first time. With a common culture. Along with the American civil war, the internecine Anglophone clashes eventually allowed a common ideology to emerge that allowed the Anglophone powers to unite instead of fighting each other. That common ideology was FIGHT SUBJUGATION, along with a rational, humanist government, expressed in the form of liberal democracy which gradually emerged, and which also enabled us to finally, and wonderfully, unite with France as well - with the Entente Cordiale. Basically liberal democracies don't fight other liberal democracies. They instead unite in opposition to subjugators. So, once again, thankyou France for moving the world forward towards liberal democracy. A single Anglophone power may have caused worldwide dictatorship. We'll never know. As a freedom-loving Australian, having multiple Anglophone powers to call on for help gives me more options. In case one of them has a left-wing government in power that decides to abandon their Australian allies the same way the left-wing governments in all Anglophone countries decided to abandon South Vietnamese allies. Also, while I don't have a problem with the Queen being our ceremonial head of state (although I voted for a republic at the recent referendum), I sure as hell wouldn't want that dysfunctional family to actually have any power! Thankfully the anti-subjugation reforms happened before I was born. Merci France!

However, can I make a small suggestion. Next time you liberate a territory, can you make it conditional on them not, in their revolutionary zeal, reverting back to the "good old days" of the 11th century so that they could unwind the spelling of the words which the French had changed, e.g. "color" had become "colour", "honor" had become "honour" etc. After EIGHT FRIGGIN' CENTURIES I'd kind of GOT USED TO THE NEW SPELLING. Now all the google search queries are screwed up because of the inconsistent spelling. I mean, what other group of people romantically idealizes some period of time CENTURIES AGO? Can you think of any? Also, make the liberation conditional on them adopting the rational metric system you created instead of swearing eternal allegiance to King George's You-Beaut System of Weights and Measures Designed to Smash Mars Probes to Smithereens. Merci beaucoup.

Also, I'd like to thank you for standing together with America after she was attacked on 9/11. I noticed that your forces were in Mazar-e-Sharif at a tense time, and that your forces set themselves up as walking targets on the streets of Kabul, taking bullets for Americans so that they don't need to do the much-hated task of peacekeeping - especially in a country that has historically been a nightmare for foreigners. Your contributions to the cause of freedom don't make the news here. On behalf of all those who don't give thanks where thanks is due - MERCI FRANCE.

However, a horrifying thing happened since then. I don't know if it is because you were sick of the ingratitude and lack of recognition from Anglophones, but there was an opportunity to free 27 million Iraqi slaves from a holocaust which even included INSTITUTIONALIZED RAPE. I was expecting a great country like yours to jump at the opportunity to liberate more people and advance the cause of freedom. Maybe there was some sort of gigantic misunderstanding. I assume you realise that America is restrained in being able to simply blurt out "who gives a damn whether there's WMD there or not, this is a chance to end institutionalized rape". Because America can't prematurely open a front with other human rights abusers when it still needs their help! But France is not constrained in the same manner. France can be the spokesman for liberty. This is France we're talking about. The same country that created the Statue of Liberty and the eternal flame! Liberating Iraq from what was in some ways a worse holocaust than Nazi Germany or Stalinist Russia (those places didn't rape women or feed men to lions while zealously promoting their respective dogmas). I know you did send your forces to near Iraq, and said you would deploy them if Saddam used WMD, so your heart was clearly on the side of the free world. But making your deployment conditional on use of WMD implies that you weren't considering the beautiful sight of freeing 27 million slaves from a holocaust. It implies that you weren't part of the team that said "Never Again" after liberating Auschwitz. Is there something I'm missing? France. Liberty. France. Liberty. France.

I understand that you've done your fair share of liberation, and that if you chose not to liberate anyone ever again, it is your right. But I would respectfully ask if you could rally your forces for one final campaign. To rid the rest of the world of dictatorship. There is an opportunity at the moment. The remaining dictators, besides China, are weak and not in an alliance. If the free world acts now, we can snuff out state-slavery once and for all. Then we can enshrine the illegality of state-slavery into the UN Charter and have a workable UN. I don't expect you to do this on your own. You can go to countries such as Australia and tell John Howard to show a bit of backbone and join you. I saw him on TV just today (2005-06-24) saying that realistically he wasn't going to invade Zimbabwe and end the institutionalized horror happening there. What's he afraid of I wonder? Sharpened bananas? He seems to be waiting for Marxist ex-terrorists in South Africa to do the right thing and end the reign of another Marxist terrorist, when South Africa's history is supporting Marxist terrorists such as Aristide of Haiti. I know this sounds insane to you and me, but it presumably makes sense to John Howard. Go figure. But first things first. Iran is my preferred candidate for liberation. It is even more lucrative than America was 200 years ago. The Iranians are ready to revolt, if we can just ground their air assets. You've got an aircraft carrier that can do this. And Australia has the SAS that could be dropped into liberated-via-revolution cities to ensure that they stay liberated. Together we could be a great team. Just as we were in WWI - France is saturated with the blood of Australians. Allies for freedom. When I look at the happy lovely smiling FREE French faces today, I know every drop of Australian blood was worth it. But I am equally desperate to see happy lovely smiling FREE Iranian faces. And so to for the rest of the world. And in today's world, it would be great having a non-Anglophone leading the way, as it would confound the enemies of freedom. I beg you sir. Please do this one last thing for freedom. I expect that the liberated countries will carry the torch after that, but you need to liberate them first. I've already asked the Australian government to do this, but they didn't commit to the liberation of Iran. Maybe they want someone who actually has an aircraft carrier to take the lead? Someone like France, perhaps?

I was hoping to translate this letter into French, as I know French people have great love of their language, unlike in Australia where elocution lessons involve teaching people how to slur sentences so that you don't need to open your mouth and let flies get in, while still conveying most of your message. However, there's presumably something wrong with the Australian education system, as after 2 years of learning French, the only thing I can remember is "savez vous plantez les chouz, ala monde, ala monde, savez vous plantez les chouz, ala monde de chez nous", which translated means "how do you plant cabbages, in the fashion, in the fashion, how do you plant cabbages, in the fashion of our land". And would you believe that when I visited your lovely city Paris, this didn't help me score even ONCE. It's a sad indictment of the Australian education system. They should be ashamed of themselves.

So, I instead asked a French friend of mine to translate this letter for me. He just replied "Liberte, Egalite, Fraternity". I don't know what this means. Do you?

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